Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
