So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
