you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
