If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
