im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
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you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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