I want to have your abortion
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
