I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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