and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
