i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
