i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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