My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
