ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Two words: nipple clamps
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