Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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