I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
