Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
