I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
