Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
