i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
