My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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