Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
