Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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