If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
