The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
