We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
