sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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