I accidentally had phone sex last night
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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