moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
