my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
