what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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