Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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