i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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