Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The uberlube is also flammable
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
