Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
