I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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