Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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