My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
