I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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