I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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