she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
