i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
