I just threw up on my dentist
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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