and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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