and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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