apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
