I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
