the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there was a trapeze. enough said
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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