so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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