I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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