Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
