i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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