I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
