Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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