If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I fill condoms, not promises.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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