How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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