I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
