wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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