Where did you get a picture of my penis
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
