I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
