you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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