Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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