Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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