You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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