You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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